The 3rd of March, 2022, my group of doctors decided that I was to be hospitalized indefinitely for Anorexia Nervosa. I can't recall a date or month where my eating disorder started, and I don't remember much of how it even did, it was always something in the back of my head.
Growing up, I was always insecure about my body, and despite trying exercise or ‘healthy’ eating, I saw no difference, hence my addiction to seek change started. As I mentioned earlier, my anorexia was not something that suddenly started, the exact date of its origins is still a mystery to me. Along with this, the catalyst for my experience probably came from my own self-perception and how I thought others would see me.
I've always considered myself a perfectionist, and when it came to my appearance, my obsession was even worse. For hours, I stood in front of a mirror, meticulously examining every aspect of myself, from the appearance of my feet to the subtle nuances of my wrist's looks. Even if I got the “results” I wanted, it was never enough, I always needed more.
When I first got diagnosed, I didn’t believe in the doctor's opinion. I didn't believe I had this illness or that I was even sick enough to have it. They were wrong. My parents, the doctors, and everyone surrounding me was wrong. Still, after months of recovery, I still didn't believe I was sick enough to be diagnosed, let alone be on a ‘diet’, which I had to follow to physically recover. It took me 3 months more of fighting and crying to get hospitalised, after dangerously low test results came back. My heart was failing. I still didn't believe any of it. Even as a feeding tube was being pushed through my nose, I still didn't trust any of them.
Throughout the years, I have gone through 7 psychologists, 2 nutritionists and 2 psiquiatrics, all of which agreed on one thing: the solution to my disorder was to mute something that was deep inside of me, yet to this day I still haven't discovered what. Unlike other cases, I never looked at food as a punishment or a reward, to me it was something I knew I wanted but could simply not have. It was the forbidden fruit I couldn't touch.
To this day, I believe that it was the people surrounding me who managed to pull me out of that deep hole. I especially credit one person to me being alive today, because without her I would have given up my fight, and lost without a doubt.
