PROJECT47

It's been long and grueling and extremely hard, It still is.

I don't know if anorexia ever ends for girls like us, girls who constantly find themselves frustrated, desperate and eventually exhausted from the constant fight that eats to survive in detail. I don't know if it ends, but for now, since I can't share what it feels like to be done with it, I'll try to share what it feels like to deal with it every single day. Since I can't talk about the after I'll tell you everything I can about the in between.

My most common thought was 'I'm still alive' as if a beating heart and a functioning body was enough for me to be 'alive', then, once I started recovering and eating I found out, it's not. Freezing hands during the winter due to a lack of fat isn't enough, not having your period and risking the chance of having your own family in the future isn't enough, being in constant tension and obsessive isn't enough, being anorexic but 'alive' shouldn't be enough.

To be honest 'I'm not getting out of this' was maybe more common than 'I'm still alive'. I want you to know, you're not getting out of anorexia, you're getting through it. It's not okay that we have to go through this but we do. At first it's gonna be awful, you won't see the other side, you'll shut down and stay hungry for hours just to be okay with the way you look, because who cares if you're on the verge of dying if' you look great. Then, you'll start eating and your brain will start functioning in a more similar way to the way it should've from the start because it now has the nutrients to do this, you'll start noticing how your body looks better when you 're healthy.

Eventually, there's whole seasons when you like yourself, eat enough and truly live, seasons when anorexia seems to be gone. These seasons are what we live for.

We keep fighting for the experiences, the people, the laughs and everything that we enjoy when anorexia seems to be gone, when 'food' isn't our only thought.

However, I wan't you to know, it will come back.

It's been over a year since I was diagnosed and it is still long and grueling and extremely hard.

But, it's also worth it, at least we've got to make it worth it.

Because it isn't fair that we got to live through all this, it's not fair and therefor we don't get to be drowned by this illness.

Trust me, keep fighting for the experiences, the people, the laughs and everything that we enjoy when anorexia seems to be gone, when 'food' isn't our only thought.

I wish there were an 'after anorexia', however, for now my most honest advice is 'make everything you can out of the in between'.